My Depression and Thoughts of Suicide
2020 – Having to try and handle the death of my mom that I blame myself for, and putting down my best friend and truck driving buddy Princess due to her tumors all just this year. The Virus plaguing the world, the way people minds have changed from doing what is right to doing the entire opposite, exp: attacking people randomly without cause, attacking the police, attacking and removing everything this nation believed in and its men died for.
Sep 10 2020 - Two Los Angeles County sheriff's deputies were shot repeatedly at point-blank range in an ambush on Saturday and Black Power protesters responded by gathering outside the hospital where they were being treated to shout "we hope they die" and threaten officers that "you're next."
History is being rewritten to only appease others. the destruction of our cities. And our Government officials taking no action to stop it.
The theft of our election system to promote the one world order agenda. It’s like being in another part of the world, it’s not the world I grew up with nor a world I wish to
continue living in.
I learned to not trust anyone early in life. Not Teachers, Preachers, Doctors, Cops, Co Workers, Friends, Family.
And now my health is not so good, pain most of the night, not able to enjoy life or go anyplace, waiting to be approved so that i can get the help needed. Having to self medicate to get through with what ever I can find the endless days and nights, This is no way to live..
I was a Witness to 1986 Cerritos Air Disaster. I can still hear the screams of those falling from the plane even today. To this date I can’t get near a carnival, the screams are of the same.
The death of Gloria Stein, Irvine, Ca she committed suicide by train, I found her body, I seen her once before I believe I could have prevented it if I was only smart enough to see the signs.
The death of Jim my neighbor he stopped by that night and gave me a tea shirt, and then he went home and blew his head off with a shotgun.
The loss of too many names and faces of friends and family. It’s enough to make a person go mad.
Who am I to survive while others pass on?
As i get older my thoughts of suicide is to drive to a spot I got all picked out for myself on the 215 fwy and 60 overpass and jump. I would land in a maintenance area away from any vehicles or people just to be thoughtful. Or simply death by cop. I will do anything to stop the torment and pain that lives within me.
My brother has a list of what I want done upon my death. Even he refuses to let me talk about how i am feeling or anything. He believes nothing has changed and i will be around forever. He is in complete denial of what happen to our mom and me doing my stroke. I would end it but everyone is right I’m to much of a coward, so i keep going and keep looking for a way out.
May GOD forgive me if he exists at all?
I was asked how am i sleeping?: I don’t sleep at night at all , I stay awake until i cannot stay awake any longer then I lay down and fall to sleep / pass-out.
I would like to post my Depression level but it keeps changing several times a day, one minute going ok, the next Sad, Anger, and Loathing.
I got to get it under control, right now it controls me.
It was brought to my attention that some believe this is just a play for poor me. Trying to get attention, if it makes you feel better then believe what you want, sorry you wasted your time. Depression lies. It lies relentlessly and seductively and convincingly. Depression is real and so am I. just wish it was not.. Have I reached out to anyone? Yes
1 – I informed the Emergency Room the last two times I was there, and nothing.
2 – Found a website it’s a Take my Hand Peer Support Chat, they have a email address I sent
them an email of what I am feeling and what is going on in my life, It returned as a bad email
address.
3 – I requested a Psychologist Referral from my Doctors hospital website, Requested: Answered
8/27 Hello, to get the referral you will need to wait for your next phone appointment. Not Set
Yet. Psychologist Dr by Phone?
4 – Even a website reader by the name J.D understands that i need help; he contacted a suicide
prevention service to try to get me some help, and still nothing.
5 - I was out walking and I walked up to a cop that was parked by the school grounds, he saw me
coming I just wanted to talk to someone, I guess I scared him so he drove off.
I give up hope for any help. I will just take it one Hour Day Week at a time